your grace is enough

how do you say this without any hint of doubt or fear in your head?

how do you say this when you barely get by? how do you say this when you know and you're afraid that "ït is not enough" or, "i'm hoping it will be, but i just don't see how it could be" -- enough, that is?

why did You put a heart in me that is so accustomed to doubt, that so easily magnifies the bad and forgets the good?

how do I convince myself that I am not the sum of all the crap that I do? (because yeah, that's how i feel.)

i feel like i'm setting myself up for a practical joke or something -- that at the last minute You'll swoop in for the rescue, or in hindsight, i will see that yes, it was enough. but what if you don't come? will i have the strength to say "...but know, O king, that even if He doesn't, we will not bow to your statue"?

why do You operate that way? why torture me with the wait, or have me doubt You? is that of any good to You or anyone else? already, I feel crappy about the way I can sing Your praises only when it's good for me, and then without any hesitation doubt You when it's not. forgive my heart, it does that, most of the time.

i guess it really all boils down to this -- i don't know how to trust You genuinely.

yes, after all that You have done, after all that You have proven, after all Your faith in me -- this is how my heart is -- it forgets. i realize that You have absolutely no burden on You to prove Yourself faithful to me, but You have chosen to do so numerous times -- You did it all knowing my heart will continue to be this selfish.

i can't help it. i want to trust You -- but I don't know how to.

teach me.

"So remember Your people

Remember Your children

Remember Your promise

Oh God

Your grace is enough

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me"

- Chris Tomlin

blllp! i posted.

so ang hirap talagang gumimik pag taga-probinsya ka.

well, not really... San Pedro, is just on the outskirts of the metro. Still, it's an hour bus ride to where the happenin' places usually are -- whether it be a get-together with friends, or a movie, or goin' out to watch our favorite bands, and we don't have a car yet. (note to self: get married na, so you can get a car... or three)

with last friday's case, the reason we travelled to the metro at night was a band, or... errr, a lot of them. Earth Day Jam 08 was happenin' in Morato and the bebe wanted to see her band of the moment (more on this later). so it was a quarter after 8 when we got there, and we realized that the access to Morato coming from the rotunda (if you're coming in from GMA like we did) was closed. in fact, that portion near the circle was being used as the backstage area for the show, so we had to trek all around the block, and into a tangible wall of smell coming from the usual battalion of cute emo kids (read: punkelitos and punkelitas) just to get to our friends who incidentally wanted to jam, too -- churchmates Julie, Cathy, and Belen.

so when we got to them, their pwesto was not really good for fanboys and fangirls, so we scouted and so an almost perfect position, the veranda on the other side of the street, which belongs to Yellow Cab Pizza. the bebe and I exchanged looks. that meant we had to spend for pizza and drinks. in the end it was a no brainer. pizza and drinks WITH good music was always gonna be a winner.

so when we got to the other side, the veranda area was being used for a party, and we had to wait 'til around 10pm to get up. and so we waited. a number of jazz and folk bands played, so we were entertained while waiting anyways. when we finally got up there, the veranda was fully occupied, so we had to get a table inside, and just stand up outside when we wanted to watch a band. it was a good enough compromise, so we got ourselves the barbeque chicken pizza, soda and we were ready to rock.

as I was saying, the bebe's band of the moment is Sino Sikat?. =) this jazz-funk-rock-soul band was fronted by the gorjus Kat Agarrado, and had their own unique sound. i really like them too. good music and a hot vocalist, nice combo for me. hehehe. anyways, back to the story. so we finally got a table in the veranda area around 11:45pm, and we enjoyed the bands thoroughly. the bebe was waiting for Sino Sikat? to take the stage, 'coz it was getting late and we had to get back south pa, pero sayang naman kung hindi namin sila makita. the bebe already saw Kat in the backstage area (the view that whole area was accessible to us in the veranda), so she insisted on waiting.

i think it happened while some obscure band was playing (reggae mistress yata) when who else but the gorjus Kat walked into Yellow Cab's veranda area!!! She was with some of her bandmates. i was daring for the bebe to get the autograph she so desired. as usual, she chickened out (pis bebe), and I had to get it for her. got myself digitized with her as well. in the end, i finally convinced the bebe to get herself photographed as well. viola!

all in all, pretty much a good friday night out. =)

am i ever gonna post?

well, i'm thinking about it.


i'm not doin' so well in the "taking-care-of-this-blog" thing, but yes, I am thinking about it.


so stay tuned.

one more soul touched

I've had this habit for the past 2 weeks of buying a dozen munchkins (Dunkin' Donuts donut hole product, for you who just woke up from a thousand-year sleep) from the TAFT MRT station for the beginning of my shift. I was in an emotional roller-coaster the past few weeks, so I was trying to keep other things steady and constant, even if they were just munchkins.

Things are better this week, and since it was payday, I wanted to do something nice for my team, so I decided to buy a dozen Dunkin Donuts for them. Right when I was buying at the busy kiosk from my suki (Filipino consumer-vendor relationship, I think Kevin posted about this term here) , a little street boy, not even 4 years old in my opinion, tugged at my pants and with the best smile in the world at that time gleefully said "Penge!" (Can I have one?)

At any other time, I would've just turned the other way. At this particular time though, even when I thought I was surely running late, I was forced to think about the situation. I was going to spend Php120 for my teammates, all of whom got paid today and would surely be able to buy themselves P10 donuts if they wanted to. Here was a boy who was asking for a donut, maybe not even hoping for a whole donut, but just with the hope of tasting what he normally wouldn't be able to have on any other day. It's kinda hard to realize that the amount needed for his happiness at that point was merely an afterthought for me -- what's P10 pesos nowadays, anyways? That's how much a donut cost, and that's how much it would cost me to bring at least, a happiness that is so hard to come by for this kid.

I wasn't going to think about it more, but neither was I willing to let the opportunity pass me by. I looked at the choices, gestured to the kid and pointed at the candy-sprinkled one. He nodded vigorously. "Ate, padagdag naman ng isa nun." (Could you please add one of those?) My suki smiled, nodded, got one of the donuts and put it in one of their gaudy single-donut plastics.

I handed it over to him, his eyes showing the "wow! one whole donut?!? for me?!?" in his mind. No other words were said. He didn't even notice me go. I watched him as I boarded the jeepney to MOA -- he was licking the chocolate that stuck on the plastic first, before going on to the main treat. Nothing else mattered to him. Wow. Choco-Candy Sprinkle -- stuff of hope and dreams.

It's shameful to think now, keeping in mind how little I spent for the impression left with this kid (good things -- very out-of-the-ordinary for this world we live in -- still happen), that at any other day, I wouldn't have given him a second thought, much less give. What was this one about? The sincerity in the boy's eyes? The cute-and-cuddly Christmas feeling that's creeping up on me these days?

No, I think this is evidence enough that with the promised Counsellor in me, I have that distinct power to do something different for this world. Call it extraordinary, call it radical, call it against-the-flow -- but this is what we have - the Power living in us to be different.

I don't have any guilty feelings about feeling good. I know that was not about me helping the child. It was one more soul touched by my Savior's Spirit - mine.

waiting for the dust and debris to clear

i need you to know...

...maybe i have not shown it, or maybe you were looking for something else...

...but i am willing to fight for you. to the last breath, if need be, and continue this battle with my self just to be the man i know you deserve.

the past 2 months have been chaos. but i'd like believe we came up better people after everything. i've learned to love you more, and learned why i need to be a better man for you. i saw what i almost lost, and realized that losing you is not an option. i simply can't think of spending my life with anybody else.

i've also realized what a great set of friends we have -- people who will not stand for sin and mediocrity with the people they love. i pray that this will have a contagious effect in our circle and in the body that we move and serve in. i am encouraged to take a stand for these people, people who stood by us, and were not willing to just let what we have go to rot. i am encouraged to stand up for them too. if not for their frantic pushes in the right direction, i would have been too much of a wuss and lazy-ass craphead to do anything about it.

we know what we have now. i think we've always known -- just that we managed to forget what we loved each other for. now, as we near the day, i know it's clear to see for both you and me what we really have. all the good and the bad -- this is us. and i know, things will only look up from here. i am confident of the support structure that God is showing us right now. he plans to build us up, just like He promised.

we will heal -- we need to. we will stretch and cry and run.


we will forgive AND forget.


look here, mahal. this is what i am fighting for. i know you see it too. i've realized that yes, i have been fighting for this for the past few years.




only now, when i almost lost my grip, do i truly know that i love what i have with you.

again

lost my phone. yes. don't text me.

if it's urgent and you know me, text the bebe or moks. if not, then you're just gonna have to wait 'til I get a new one.




crappit.



PS
if anyone has a lead on a low-priced call-and-text phone, email me. or comment here.

johnhofilena[at]gmail[dot]com

survey-ness

i have lots of really, really, REALLY serious stuff in my head right now, but first - this. I couldn't resist. From Ailene:
================
UP ako. Ikaw?

1. ANO’NG STUDENT NUMBER MO?
96-44526
2. ANO ANG FIRST CHOICE MO NA COURSE?
Believe it or not, Mass Comm in UP Cebu. I know, I know. Ask me about it and I'll tell you the whole painful story. Just not here.
3. SECOND CHOICE?
Mass Comm in UP Diliman.
4. ANO COURSE MO NA NATAPOS?
BA Journalism. Diliman.
5. NAG-SHIFT KA BA?
Would have loved UP Baguio. But never did.
6. CHINITO/CHINITA KA BA?
What the heck?!? What does this have to do with my being Isko?
7. NAKAPAG-DORM KA BA?
Never had the urge of getting into one. I didn't envy dorm people. I guess I was a homebody.
8. NAKA 4 KA BA?
Yes. Not totally my fault. My thesis partner disappeared from the face of the earth.
9. NAG-KA 3 KA NA BA?
Nope. Lowest was a 2.75. hehehe.
10. LAGI KA BANG PUMAPASOK SA KLASE?
1st and 2nd year. Nung 3rd year, nalulong sa ministry, hehehe. Started cutting the "non-essential" classes.
11. MAY SCHOLARSHIP KA BA??
Yes. STFAP and UP Presidential Scholarship. I was a rich kid during 2nd year. I screwed up the last one over a girl (got my grades all messed up. Don't ask me who.)
12. ILANG UNITS NA ANG NAIPASA MO?
Errr... di ba dapat, lahat, eventually, kung nag-graduate ka?
13. NANGARAP KA BA NA MAG-CUM LAUDE?
It was a possibility, pero di ko na inisip pagkatapos ng 1st year.
14. FAVE PROF
Nyak, 'di lang kasi isa eh. Edwin Varona -- for the gentle errr, foreplay into comm theory, Anne Suzara-Gaillard -- hottest (not just brains, looks to go with it too) Film 100 prof ever, Malou Mangahas (if you don't know her, you wouldn't get it), Dean Luis Teodoro (if anybody can get away with cynicism...), and Chito Avecilla -- for being himself.
15. WORST TEACHER
Like the above, madami din 'to. Ayoko na nga lang alalahanin.
16. FAVE SUBJECT/S:
Comm 140 (intro to comm theory), Comm 141 (comm theory), Comm 190 (eto ba yung law and mass comm?), Comm 191 (comm theory and society), Workshop2 for Short Stories, Workshop2 for Essay.
17. WORST SUBJECT:
Comm Res 101 - I don't know why we HAD to take that darned subject.
18. FAVE BUILDING:
Actually, College of Music. Kapitbahay lang ng Mass Comm.
19. PABORITONG KAINAN:
Unlike Ailene, we at Diliman had more down-to-earth choices. Lutong Bahay, over near the post office, the unbeatable pork bbq at the Beach House near the Main Lib, Persian food near the CRL, isawan near Persian Food, Mang Jimmy's -- rice all you can in Balara, and of course, Thai Canteen -- near the Islamic Center. And there are those "Aristo-cart" things, good food all around.
20. MAGKANO BA ANG BINABAYAD MO SA JEEP?
In my time, UP ikot was like, 4.50 or something.
21. LAGI KA BA SA LIBRARY?
Only when I had to be, and when accompanying girls. hehehe.
22. NAGPUPUNTA KA BA SA CLINIC?
Sa UP Health somethingorother, yeah, a number of times. Once, to apply for my LOA-causing lung ailment, my initial heal check-up, of course, and then that time when I tried to do a swan dive in my swimming class and hit my head on the bottom of the pool.
23. MAY CRUSH KA BA SA CAMPUS?
Yes, everyone should have one while in college.
24. ANU-ANO ANG MGA NAGING P.E. MO?
Ok, just to be clear, I THOUGHT, wrongly, that you HAD TO take PE1. So I took that. They only told me that you didn't have to AFTER the sem (darnyoublockmates!!!). Anyways, I took badminton after that, in which I totally rocked, and then bowling (I rock again), and then swimming (co-ed, so with all the cute chicks).
25. KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG BLOCK NYO?
My block wasn't bad at all. It wasn't great in that we ended up being lifelong friends, but there were some great moments in there.
26. MEMORIZE MO BA ANG HYMN NIYO?
As with Ailene, I actually can sing both the Tagalog and English version. We also studied TTBB for male choir in ROTC choir (yes, yes, I didn't do ROTC. I went and sang in the ROTC choir instead. Hehe).
27. MEMBER KA BA NG VARSITY TEAM?
Almost tried out for the Varsity Soccer Team, if not for that lung ailment.
28. NAKA-PERFECT KA NA BA NG EXAM?
Lots. (Tanong mo kung naka-uno din ako ng paper, daliiii.)
29. DITO KA BA NATUTONG UMINOM NG BEER?
Never akong natuto uminom ng beer.
30. DITO KA BA UNANG NAINLOVE?
No. Highschool. hehe.
=======================

Tag: Kaligay, Moks, Leah, and whoever from UP who wants to answer this

back

The problem with being back actually is in answering the questions:

• So, where were you?
• Why did you stop blogging?
• Why are you blogging again?

forgive me, my hundred thousand and one readers, if i forego the task of answering these.

you know me (or you think you do). you more or less have an idea of how this blog is gonna run. in the past, i have shown you what i like and don't like. so maybe it's going to be that way still. or not. or maybe i'll find a way to surprise you a little.

here's the offer. don't expect anything, and maybe you won't be disappointed, ayt?

let's go for a fresh start.